ROGER GOODELL GIVES 
ALL PLAYERS IN NFL  
TWO GAME SUSPENSION  
TO START 2015 SEASON

With three weeks to go before the Super Bowl, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has effectively suspended all NFL players for two games to start the 2015 season. 

In an interview with the New York Times, Goodell added, "It is better to be proactive than reactive. With my decision, if any player is arrested for hitting their girlfriend or child, their punishment would already be served and they can continue to play regular season games as long as it's after the first two games of the year. This form of pre-emptive punishment would cause the least disruption to the regular season schedule." 

When asked about players who do not batter their family members or get arrested during the entire season Goodell explained, "Those who abide by the rules of society will have the satisfaction and security in knowing that any future arrests would already have been dealt with and can continue to play without any hindrance to their practice or game schedules. This is a win-win deal for both ends of the spectrum in terms of behavior." 

When asked about players that retire from the NFL in good standing with society, Goodell explained that those players will be given a participatory medal with their actual name engraved on it. "These tokens will be an expression of thanks from the NFL for their willingness to avoid the law. Any player who has an infraction with the police will NOT, I repeat will NOT receive a participatory medal."