KITTEN FOUND IN GROCERY BAG AT LOCAL STOP AND SHOP

The East Greenwich Police were called to the local Stop and Shop when the store manager called to report an orange and white kitten that was hiding in one of its brown paper bags. 

"Kids were crying, mothers were screaming and most of our employees just peed their pants," said John Mandarano, who has managed the Stop and Shop for the past 45 years. 

"I have never seen such a commotion. The monster is terribly frightening. It chased my feet and nearly scratched my toes." 

A brave girl picked up the bag as police arrived and named it "Little Coot." The police officers put away their guns when the little girl assured them that their family would take care of the little rascal. 

ROGER GOODELL SUSPENDS ALL NHL PLAYERS FOR UPCOMING 2015 HOCKEY SEASON 

In a bizarre press conference, Roger Goodell explained to reporters that the NHL is "compromising the integrity of the NFL by using the acronym NHL. NHL and NFL are too similar and the National Hockey League should change its acronym to something less threatening to me and the integrity of the National Football League." 

He further added, "All NHL players are suspended for the entirety of the 2015 season. Article 49 of the CBA entitles me to do whatever I want. So hockey is gone. And on top of that, baseball is gone. Yeah. All major league baseball players are suspended and must return to their respective homes." 

In response to these suspensions, the NHL has decided to ignore Goodell while every single major league baseball player is now home recuperating from minor bumps and bruises on their body that cannot be detected with the most advanced medical equipment in the world.