BROWNS COACH MIKE PETTINE NAMES JOHNNY MANZIEL 

HEAD COACH

In a press conference this morning head coach of the Cleveland Browns has named Johnny Manziel head coach for this Sunday's game against the 49ers. When asked about why he is trying to make Manziel head coach he said, "I want him to know how it feels like to have a quarterback that parties a lot. So after this conference I will go AWOL and show up 10 minutes before the game to play quarterback. Then we'll see who likes it when the quarterback goofs off!" 

When asked about his new head coaching duties, Johnny Manziel responded by saying, "I am excited to bench Pettine and to start Josh McCown, even though McCown has a broken clavicle." 

Upon hearing this, all Browns fans breathed a collective sigh of relief and looked forward to possibly winning the game against the 49ers. 

BROWNS SIGN JOHNNY MANZIEL TO 10 YEAR 200 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT

The Cleveland Browns announced today that they have signed quarterback Johnny Manziel to a 10 year, 200 million contract, the largest contract ever for any NFL football player. 

When asked about why the Browns signed Manziel to this contract Coach Mike Pettine said, "We didn't sign Johnny Manziel, we signed Johnny Football. We are now the league's envy. History will look back at this time period and be jealous of Cleveland because LeBron James came back and we are keeping Johnny Football here to win SuperBowls for us." 

Team president Alec Scheiner also made a statement to the media stating, "The Browns organization needed stability at the quarterback position. We look so forward to watching Johnny scramble out of the pocket that we guaranteed all of the money up front. We are hoping that Johnny understands that we really want to win a Superbowl and that he will make that happen for us." 

In other NFL news, the Patriots cut veteran quarterback Tom Brady to stay under the salary cap. 

GOODELL SUSPENDS TRUMPS HAIR

GOODELL SUSPENDS TRUMPS HAIR

Goodell chewing gum at his surprise press conference

In a surprise press meeting, embattled NFL commissioner has announced that he has suspended Donald Trump's hair from all NFL games and public appearances because it is "weird and distracting." 

Donald Trump arriving at Goodell's office to challenge him to a fist fight at the NFL offices
flagpole in downtown New York. 

                                      

During the meeting Goodell emphatically stated,  "Rules are rules and I cannot allow even Donald Trump to break them. The NFL has not ever enforced any rule pertaining to hair but after reading my best friend's independent investigation into Donald Trump's hair, I have no choice but to suspend Donald Trump's hair indefinitely from the NFL." 

Yet another picture of Ted Wells failing to look like Tom Selleck from the hit TV show Magnum P.I. 

When asked about whether his investigation was fair and independent, lead lawyer Ted Wells said, "Yup it's fair. Although we have been best friends since childhood and he has paid me millions of dollars to investigate NFL cases in the past, I have the strength to put all that aside and independently look at the evidence. What I found was that Donald Trump's hair is more probably than not, weird and distracting." 

Donald Trump responded to Goodell's decision by calling Goodell a "complete moron," and then challenged Goodell to a good old fashioned fight at the flagpole in front of the NFL offices after all week seven games were over. 

KITTEN FOUND IN GROCERY BAG AT LOCAL STOP AND SHOP

The East Greenwich Police were called to the local Stop and Shop when the store manager called to report an orange and white kitten that was hiding in one of its brown paper bags. 

"Kids were crying, mothers were screaming and most of our employees just peed their pants," said John Mandarano, who has managed the Stop and Shop for the past 45 years. 

"I have never seen such a commotion. The monster is terribly frightening. It chased my feet and nearly scratched my toes." 

A brave girl picked up the bag as police arrived and named it "Little Coot." The police officers put away their guns when the little girl assured them that their family would take care of the little rascal. 

ROGER GOODELL SUSPENDS ALL NHL PLAYERS FOR UPCOMING 2015 HOCKEY SEASON 

In a bizarre press conference, Roger Goodell explained to reporters that the NHL is "compromising the integrity of the NFL by using the acronym NHL. NHL and NFL are too similar and the National Hockey League should change its acronym to something less threatening to me and the integrity of the National Football League." 

He further added, "All NHL players are suspended for the entirety of the 2015 season. Article 49 of the CBA entitles me to do whatever I want. So hockey is gone. And on top of that, baseball is gone. Yeah. All major league baseball players are suspended and must return to their respective homes." 

In response to these suspensions, the NHL has decided to ignore Goodell while every single major league baseball player is now home recuperating from minor bumps and bruises on their body that cannot be detected with the most advanced medical equipment in the world. 

CAT ESCAPES HOUSE AND TERRORIZES EAST GREENWICH NEIGHBORHOOD

A cat that goes by the name "Blake" or "Boohk" was seen hunting local children from an East Greenwich neighborhood. 

     "I was out on my neighbor's swing when it ran right at me and bit me really hard on my elbow!" Said Abby Lewis a neighbor. 

     Another local resident, Grace MacDonald said, "I was walking my dog Miley when Blake attacked Miley from behind a tree. Blake bit down on Miley's neck and scratched me across the face. We were lucky that a police car happened to drive by, or else it might have been worse." 

     Police liutenent Paul Mitchell added, "All I had to do was give Boohk some wet food and he was fine. Then after he finished Boohk scratched a message in the snow that said 'Me whonewee. Pease pet me'". 

     Blake is now waiting for his owners to pick him up at the police station. 

 

Clapperboard Of Mr. BT's Winning Superbowl Play!

East Greenwich Newspaper Clipping

 

Coach Bill Belichick gives high praise to Mr. Burnett-Testa. 

This is true for two reasons. 

1. It can be read on the image above. 

2. It is on the Internet

Cat Thinks He Is Coot When He Is Not!

ROGER GOODELL ANNOUNCES THAT SOCCER PLAYERS ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO USE FEET TO KICK SOCCER BALL

In a surprise announcement only one day before the Super Bowl, Roger Goodell has announced that all soccer players are no longer allowed to use their feet play soccer. 

Goodell also added, "Feet are stinky. That stinkiness makes the ball disgusting." 

The announcement comes as a shock because he has no soccer experience at all. He is not even employed by FIFA. When Goodell was asked about why he was trying to make a change to a soccer rule he said, "Because I have a great track record with making up rules and enforcing them." 

 

NEW LAW PROPOSES THAT NO CATS ARE TO BE CALLED COOT

In a new law passed by Congress no cats are allowed to be called "Coot". When President Obama was asked about this new law he told reporters, "There is a girl in Mrs. Smith's class who has said herself that 'There is only one Coot in the world.' That's why we passed this law. Because we also agree that there is only one Coot in the world."

OWNER OF COLTS UPSET 

ABOUT PATRIOTS FAKE LETTER TELLING HIM ABOUT 

SCORING CHANGE

Jim Irsay, owner of the Indianapolis Colts expressed outrage at a press conference today about a letter he received from the New England Patriot front office wrongly informing him that the AFC Championship game was going to be scored in the same manner as a golf game; with the lowest score winning the game. 

"They told me in this letter that the lowest score would win the game so I passed that information on to our coaching staff who did a hell of a job holding our own Andrew Luck to just seven points. Apparently there was no scoring change and the lowest score lost the game."  

When Irsay was asked why he believed the letter he stammered, "This is Belichick's fault. He always has something up his sleeve. I am going to bring the Colts to the Superbowl anyway and try to get them past security and out on the field against the Seahawks."

   

 
 

ROGER GOODELL REVERSES  

TWO GAME SUSPENSIONS 

FOR ALL NFL PLAYERS

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has reversed his decision to ban all NFL players for the first two games of the 2015 NFL season. 

In a statement released today Goodell said, "Instead of suspending all NFL players for the beginning of the 2015 season, I will place any NFL player who is married or engaged on the commissioner's exempt list. This will also extend to NFL players who have children as well. This move is to protect the integrity of the NFL so that no NFL player will ever again batter their wife or child." 

This decisive and swift action will effectively not bring negative attention to the NFL in regards to domestic abuse. But upon further study of his press release, it appears that only single athletes can compete at the NFL level. 

DEREK JETER TO PLAY 

ONE MORE YEAR 

FOR YANKEES

In a surprise move that rattled the Yankees front office, Derek Jeter the future hall of famer for the New York Yankees announced today that he is returning to the Yankees to play just one more year. 

When asked why he is coming back, General Manager Brian Cashman said, "Derek enjoyed last year so much that he is going to retire again one more time."

In a statement released by his agent, Jeter said, "I enjoyed saying goodbye to fans and teams around the game so much that I really want to do it again. I still think that I can work a walk or get a big time pinch hit single that will contribute to the most important thing - a win for our team." 

Hank Steinbrenner, owner of the team with his brother Hal, opened up the Yankee coffers for the true to life hero to come back. "Derek Jeter is an icon in New York. I don't mind if he does this Brett Farve thing, retire, unretire thing for five or six years." 

PHIL PRESSEY TRADED 

FOR SIXTH GRADE 

BASKETBALL PLAYER

In an attempt to make his team even younger and to save cap space, Danny Ainge the general manager of the Boston Celtics, traded second year player Phil Pressey to the Cambridge Public Schools for sixth grade forward Jimmy Butts. 

After trading Rajon Rondo and Jeff Green to different NBA teams, Danny Ainge said, "It will be a few years before we see Jimmy Butts in an NBA game but at least Phil will get more playing time on the sixth grade travel team. I saw Jimmy Butts playing in a weekend tournament and liked how he passed the ball." 

When asked about why he traded Phil Pressey, Ainge said, "He was coot." 

HARRY STYLES SIGNS ONE GAME CONTRACT TO PLAY FOR 
GREEN BAY PACKERS

In a surprise press conference the Green Bay Packers have announced that they have signed One Direction singer, Harry Styles, to a 1 game contract to be specifically played in Seattle this upcoming Sunday, January 18th, during the NFC Championship game.

With no American football experience the Packers are gambling that Harry Styles' experience singing in football stadiums helps him overcome his first game jitters. Ted Thompson, the Packers general manager added, "Mr. Styles has a way of connecting to people. By inserting him in key situations of the game we hope to capitalize on his energy and show the fans that we mean business." 

When asked about what position Harry would play, Thompson said, "We are expecting Harry to be in the backfield with Eddie Lacy and to give the Seattle defense a look they haven't seen before." 

Harry Styles could not be reached in time for this post but his agent released a statement which said that Harry is looking forward to the competition and "hoping to open up some running room between the tackles so Lacy can get some big time yards."

ROGER GOODELL GIVES 
ALL PLAYERS IN NFL  
TWO GAME SUSPENSION  
TO START 2015 SEASON

With three weeks to go before the Super Bowl, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has effectively suspended all NFL players for two games to start the 2015 season. 

In an interview with the New York Times, Goodell added, "It is better to be proactive than reactive. With my decision, if any player is arrested for hitting their girlfriend or child, their punishment would already be served and they can continue to play regular season games as long as it's after the first two games of the year. This form of pre-emptive punishment would cause the least disruption to the regular season schedule." 

When asked about players who do not batter their family members or get arrested during the entire season Goodell explained, "Those who abide by the rules of society will have the satisfaction and security in knowing that any future arrests would already have been dealt with and can continue to play without any hindrance to their practice or game schedules. This is a win-win deal for both ends of the spectrum in terms of behavior." 

When asked about players that retire from the NFL in good standing with society, Goodell explained that those players will be given a participatory medal with their actual name engraved on it. "These tokens will be an expression of thanks from the NFL for their willingness to avoid the law. Any player who has an infraction with the police will NOT, I repeat will NOT receive a participatory medal." 

BILL BELICHICK ADMITS WINNING IS NOT AS FUN AS IT SEEMS

In a surprise turn of events, Bill Belichick opened up to reporters during a weekly press conference and started delving into what he would have done with all of his extra time if his Patriot teams had never entered the playoffs.

"I think about all the golf I missed and how much better my putting game would be," said Belichick, adding "I know winning is what the game is supposed to be about but it's harder to enjoy when you know that 30 other teams are with their families on a beach somewhere and I have to continue to get up at 4 am to head into dreary Foxborough to start game planning. If other coaches were not allowed to leave their home stadiums until the end of the Super Bowl then things would be different."

When asked to expand on why other coaches should stay in their stadiums, Belichick added, "It's not fair. Why should I have to work when other coaches are on vacation. That's all I'm saying. I know the Super Bowl rings are nice but I don't find real opportunities to wear them, unless I know Parcells is stopping by."