Two Teachers Killed By Beaver 

This image was found on a camera by one of the deceased teachers. The teacher shown in the image lost a basketball game to the other teacher after the other teacher had his ACL repaired. 

Two middle school teachers were killed by a rabid beaver while swimming in Rhode Island's Long Pond-Ell Pond conservation area in Hopkington. Their bodies were discovered by a Department of Environmental Management officer who was on duty at the time and heard their screams for help. 

"It was 6:15 am and I was on my usual Sunday morning beat, looking for illegal swimmers and campers when I heard horrendous screams," said David Woodley, a veteran with the DEM. He added, "When I came upon their bodies, I recognized them as previous illegal swimmers and I felt that they deserved what was coming to them for coming back here to illegally swim." 

Mr. Woodley went on to explain how the small pond had a reddish hue to it that was caused by all of the blood that was lost through the numerous beaver bites. The beaver was seen actively consuming both teacher's bodies and nothing could be done to stop the animal. 

"I used my radio to call for back up but by the time they arrived the beaver left only their heads floating in the water, it was a gruesome scene. We decided to leave the heads in the pond to help warn future illegal swimmers that there was an aggressive beaver in the area." 

Lastly, after reading about the two teachers whose bodies were eaten by the beaver, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell launched a multi-million dollar investigation into the incident. Results indicated that Tom Brady more probably than not dressed up as the beaver and murdered the two teachers. Goodell announced at a press conference today that he will suspend Tom Brady for two additional games in the 2016 season. Goodell added, "I will call this Beavergate so don't even try to appeal this. The only thing you can appeal is a banana Tom Brady!" And then Goodell let out a little high pitched laugh.

Manager John Farrell Praises His   Team After 21-2 Loss To Angels

     Red Sox Manager John Farrell has plenty of positive things to say about his team after a historic 21-2 loss to the Anaheim Angels. 

     "I think our pitchers did a great job tonight keeping us within 19 runs going into the 9th inning. We just needed a well timed hit here and there to get back into it, but we will get it next time." 

     Beat reporters for the Red Sox were driven to new areas of understanding about baseball after a reporter asked about the effectiveness of starter Clay Bucholz. 

     "First of all, I don't call him Clay, I call him Bucky. That way, he feels more comfortable on the mound and in the clubhouse. Second, Clay did a hell of a job just giving up 6 runs. I think he lowered his ERA a few runs just by doing that all by itself." 

     Farrell refused to answer any more questions about the games unless a pretty, female reporter asked a question, so that resulted in the press conference being over. 

LeBron James Scores All 120 points In Win Over Warriors In Game 3 Of NBA Finals

With their backs against the wall in a must win situation, LeBron James scored all 120 points and had 45 rebounds in what was his most dominating performance in an NBA uniform. 

Using a bizarre strategy, he told his teammates to stay back on "D" while he attacked the Golden State Warrior defense all on his own. 

"I was scared at first because I couldn't use any picks, but God helped me overcome that with my quickness and I was lucky to hit almost every shot I put up there." 

With the Cleveland defense fresh from not playing offense, they clamped down the the Warrior offense and only kept them to 90 points. 

After the game, LeBron was seen celebrating the win by firing head coach Tyronn Lue and hiring Kurt Rambis to coach the next game. Rambis was excited because his television broke and this way he could coach and watch the game up close at the same time. When Kevin McHale heard about the Rambis hire, he took the next flight to Cleveland and gave a good 80's "clothesline" hit on an unsuspecting Rambis. 

AQIB TALIB MAKES NFL HISTORY BY FINDING AND BREAKING TEXAS' ONLY GUN LAW

Denver cornerback Aqib Talib can cover wide receivers and cover the spread on finding and breaking Texas' only gun law. According to the Texas state legislature, Rule 65, article 3 states, "If ya got a gun, no needer hide it, just whip it out and let folks know you got it while sayin 'Merica!" 

According to authorities in Texas, Talib hid his weapon which at least gets him the Death Penalty. The NFL has started to investigate the situation for further punishment. Roger Goodell released a statement today stating, "Tom Brady will be further investigated and needs to stop deflating, tweeting and shooting NFL players. Even though he was in Foxborough at the time of the shooting, my sources say that he flew down there, shot Talib and flew back. Therefore, I need to keep the integrity of the league by suspending Tom Brady for the rest of the 2016 season. Unless of course, he gives me his current cell phone so I can look at pictures of wife, because that's all I wanted to do in the first place." 

ROGER GOODELL ADDS 2 GAMES TO TOM BRADY'S SUSPENSION

During a impromptu press conference Roger Goodell has added 2 more games to Tom Brady's 4 game Deflategate suspension. In response to a reporter's question as to why, Goodell said, "I know Tom Brady hacked into the NFL's twitter account and told everyone I died. So I am suspending him for 2 more games." 

When asked about what evidence he had, Goodell gave out copies of the tweet itself. (see below)

As Goodell started to leave, a reporter asked, "Did you tweet this out yourself?" As the question ended, Goodell knocked over the podium and wagged his finger at the reporter and yelled, "You're God damn right I did! Article 46 in the CBA gives me the right to do anything I God damn want!" He then pounced on the reporter and tried to choke him by pulling on his tie. It took at least 2 sixth graders to pull Goodell off the reporter as an NFL security guard used pepper spray to stop the 6th graders from embarrassing the commissioner. 

GOODELL EXUBERANT THAT PATRIOTS LOST

In a surprise interview on Sirius Radio, NFL commissioner stated that he is very happy that the Patriots lost to the Broncos, even though he is supposed to be a neutral observer.
"I know I'm not supposed to play favorites, but I was so worried that the Patriots would win the Super Bowl and that I was going to hand over another Lombardi trophy to that loser Tom Brady!"

"I mean especially with Deflategate hanging over my head. I never dropped the lawsuit against Tom Brady and imagine what a dork I would look like if I had to give him that trophy and then lose to him again in court the very next day on my appeal. I'm the commish man. The f***in commish!"

When asked about his ego and what he brings to the NFL as commissioner he boasted, "I bring character, honesty, integrity, ruthlessness, greatness and godliness to the NFL. I am God. I am greater than God. I am everything. Tomorrow, I will appoint my best friend Ted Wells to investigate God. We will name it Godgate. To really find out who is greater. Me or God."

When asked if he watched the Patriot, Bronco game he said, "Of course I did. I'm the commish. I need to see the refs do what I tell them to do and ref a good honest game against the Patriots. I'm happy they were not that obvious this time."

BROWNS COACH MIKE PETTINE NAMES JOHNNY MANZIEL 

HEAD COACH

In a press conference this morning head coach of the Cleveland Browns has named Johnny Manziel head coach for this Sunday's game against the 49ers. When asked about why he is trying to make Manziel head coach he said, "I want him to know how it feels like to have a quarterback that parties a lot. So after this conference I will go AWOL and show up 10 minutes before the game to play quarterback. Then we'll see who likes it when the quarterback goofs off!" 

When asked about his new head coaching duties, Johnny Manziel responded by saying, "I am excited to bench Pettine and to start Josh McCown, even though McCown has a broken clavicle." 

Upon hearing this, all Browns fans breathed a collective sigh of relief and looked forward to possibly winning the game against the 49ers.