Two Teachers Killed By Beaver 

This image was found on a camera by one of the deceased teachers. The teacher shown in the image lost a basketball game to the other teacher after the other teacher had his ACL repaired. 

Two middle school teachers were killed by a rabid beaver while swimming in Rhode Island's Long Pond-Ell Pond conservation area in Hopkington. Their bodies were discovered by a Department of Environmental Management officer who was on duty at the time and heard their screams for help. 

"It was 6:15 am and I was on my usual Sunday morning beat, looking for illegal swimmers and campers when I heard horrendous screams," said David Woodley, a veteran with the DEM. He added, "When I came upon their bodies, I recognized them as previous illegal swimmers and I felt that they deserved what was coming to them for coming back here to illegally swim." 

Mr. Woodley went on to explain how the small pond had a reddish hue to it that was caused by all of the blood that was lost through the numerous beaver bites. The beaver was seen actively consuming both teacher's bodies and nothing could be done to stop the animal. 

"I used my radio to call for back up but by the time they arrived the beaver left only their heads floating in the water, it was a gruesome scene. We decided to leave the heads in the pond to help warn future illegal swimmers that there was an aggressive beaver in the area." 

Lastly, after reading about the two teachers whose bodies were eaten by the beaver, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell launched a multi-million dollar investigation into the incident. Results indicated that Tom Brady more probably than not dressed up as the beaver and murdered the two teachers. Goodell announced at a press conference today that he will suspend Tom Brady for two additional games in the 2016 season. Goodell added, "I will call this Beavergate so don't even try to appeal this. The only thing you can appeal is a banana Tom Brady!" And then Goodell let out a little high pitched laugh.